★★★★★ 5
A must-read for all couples no matter how long (or little) they've been together!
I'm not all that big on self-help books, although I've also read some of Dr. Gray's Mars/Venus books to help me better understand how and why men and women are so different, and to embrace those differences and re-learn communication and conflict-resolution skills.
This book by Dr. Chapman is entirely different and just as effective, in a different way. My boyfriend's son had sent it to him a year before we met, when he (my BF) and his wife were about to split up, hoping that it might help and maybe they'd reconcile. My BF read it cover-to-cover, loved it, learned from it, and, while it didn't save his marriage (his wife was leaving him for her new boyfriend no matter what), he highly recommended it to me and I bought it the next day. Wow, am I glad I did! It's an easy read and makes so much sense. We all have our own "love language" - and if our partner doesn't know it, and expresses his/her love a different way, it may not be the way that we need (and vice versa). My love language is Words of Affirmation (there are 5 major languages, and we all have one primary language that our partner should learn, and we should learn our partner’s). So when he tells me how much he appreciates me, loves me, tells me I look pretty, what a great mom I am, whatever, I positively glow. He also *shows* his love in so many ways, not just with words, so even if he doesn't say it, he shows it, and I appreciate him so much for that (and for so many other things). But because my "language" is Words of Affirmation (probably stemming from my childhood, when I got little to no positive feedback or encouragement), his loving words mean more to me than anything else, even though the other languages are important too. By the way, the 5 Love Languages, according to Dr. Chapman, are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch (in a non-sexual way, such as spontaneously giving an affectionate hug or squeeze on the arm while passing by, bear hugs, sitting with my legs on his lap while we watch a movie, cuddling – yes, guys, cuddling is great and I’m lucky that my BF loves to do it too – and he’s as masculine as they come!). While the other languages are very important, I determined that my primary language is Words. We all have different primary languages. But I realized that, despite his showing me his love in so many ways, if he never again said "I love you" to me, or told me I'm pretty when we go out, or gives me an atta girl when I accomplish something important to me, etc., I'd feel that something major was missing (and in the book you'll read about how we all need our Love Tanks filled and the way to fill them is to speak our partner’s language regularly – that sounds silly maybe, but the book puts it into logical context). Quality time (one of the languages) doesn't mean simply being in the same room watching TV together; it means things like sitting down and talking (and listening) to each other without multi-tasking (texting, glancing at the score on TV, reading the paper, etc.), even if only 20 minutes a day. Important? Absolutely. Acts of Service: I’d bought a house last summer and when my BF was over the other day he saw an 8-foot extension ladder in my family room and asked me about it. I told him that the light bulb in the ceiling fan in my 2-story family room had burned out and I needed the ladder to reach it. The ladder was still there last night and the bulb not yet changed because when I’d climbed up and tried to remove the fixture cover, the screws were too tight so I gave it up that night, planning to go up again the next day with a wrench, pliers or other grip to loosen them, but I hadn’t had a chance to yet. So without a word last night, he got right up on the ladder and unscrewed it for me (I love a strong man!). I was grateful, absolutely, yet I also could have done it myself, so Acts of Service isn’t my primary language, though it’s still important. Receiving Gifts isn't my language either, although of course I appreciate them. Physical Touch: that comes naturally to both of us so it wasn't even a consideration since we both do it regularly. Therefore, Words are my primary language. As for my BF, turns out that's his language too, which doesn't always happen that way; most of us have different love languages. Anyway, sorry to go on and on, but I highly recommend this book, whether you're embarking on a new relationship or want to rekindle an existing one that may need a new spark.
My grateful thanks to my BF's son, who sent him the book, otherwise I wouldn't have known about it. (By the way, just learning what each other's language is isn't enough. That's only the first step. From there, Dr. Chapman goes on to share how to actually speak the language, to put it into practice. My relationship was fantastic from the start, and knowing what I know now from reading this well-written book will help ensure it stays that way! So stop thinking about it: Add it to your cart! :) (And thank you, Dr. Chapman!)
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Reviewed in the United States on April 12, 2013
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